http://www.sharewisdom.org/entertainment/humor-and-jokes/ Humor and Jokes wisdom, knowledge, advice, tips and information shared by others. Share your wisdom with others. en Sun, 24 Dec 2006 17:09:26 EST http://www.sharewisdom.org/entertainment/humor-and-jokes/110.html A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure". The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep. "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get pai http://www.sharewisdom.org/entertainment/humor-and-jokes/110.html http://www.sharewisdom.org/entertainment/humor-and-jokes/52.html He was playing "on the road again". http://www.sharewisdom.org/entertainment/humor-and-jokes/52.html http://www.sharewisdom.org/entertainment/humor-and-jokes/51.html A cannibal and his son are out hunting. They are hiding in the bushes beside a path.A skinny man walks down the path, the son asks, "Dad, should we?" The dad says, "No, he is too skinny, there is no meat on his bones." They wait and a very large man walks down the path. The son asks, "Dad, should we?" The dad says, "No, he is too big and he is not healthy." Then a beautiful woman who is in great shape walks down the path. The son asks, "Dad, should we?" The dad says, "No, but we will take her home and eat your mother." http://www.sharewisdom.org/entertainment/humor-and-jokes/51.html http://www.sharewisdom.org/entertainment/humor-and-jokes/38.html There was a blonde who bought a coach ticket to go to Chicago. She boards the plane and sits in the first class area. The flight attendant approaches her and says "Excuse me miss, your ticket says coach so you'll have to move to the coach area." The blonde explains, "I'm blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago." The flight attendant leaves and explains the situation to the head flight attendant. A few minutes later, the head flight attendant approaches her and says "Excuse me miss, your ticket says coach so you'll have to move to the coach area." The blonde explains, "I'm blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago." The flight attendants look at each other in amazement and decide to get assistance from the captain. A few minutes later, the captain approaches her and says "Excuse me miss, your ticket says coach so you'll have to move to the coach area." The blonde explains, "I'm blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago." The captain shakes his head, then bends down and whispers in the blonde's ear. A moment later, she gets up from her seat suddenly, grabs her luggage, and rushes over to the coach area. One of the flight attendants asks the captain, "What on Earth did you say to her?" The captain explains, "I told her first class wasn't going to Chicago." http://www.sharewisdom.org/entertainment/humor-and-jokes/38.html http://www.sharewisdom.org/entertainment/humor-and-jokes/37.html One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just w http://www.sharewisdom.org/entertainment/humor-and-jokes/37.html http://www.sharewisdom.org/entertainment/humor-and-jokes/9.html The toothbrush complains to the toilet paper roll "I have a really shitty job." The toilet paper roll replies "Yeah, right." http://www.sharewisdom.org/entertainment/humor-and-jokes/9.html